About 2 months ago I started doing something I've NEVER done before.  I began journaling.  I'm an English major and journaling is something my professors told every student they should be writing something everyday to enforce the habit, especially writers.  However, I just couldn't seem to get past the idea of talking to myself on paper.  Made me feel like a rambling patient with severe psychosis issues.  What brought me to journaling was the need to express my feelings about taking control of my health and my future goals.  Suddenly, after a few days, I found that I really enjoyed journaling.  Its not like I hadn't tried it but I just couldn't get past my own discomforts and allow myself to accept what I was truly feeling. 

For years I've been what most people would call a "stoic" but if I was to become a writer I would have to allow myself to feel.  This has been a HUGE struggle in my life.  I've always wanted to be a person that wouldn't smile, get angry, or cry and I've succeeded but to my own detriment.  So here I am 90 pounds over weight with hypertension and the possibility of getting type 2 Diabetes plus going to college for a degree in something I want and can't obtain because I've become emotionally disabled.

So when I began jounaling I decided to see if I could take back my health and let loose my emotions.  First I started with my health. I decided, after researching, that sugar free products were going to be removed from my daily diet (as chemical sugar substitutes only increase hunger as they fool blood sugar into thinking its eating calories). This was so hard for me to accomplish.  I drank mostly diet drinks and to completely remove them was like deciding to stop breathing.  I had to change everything.  I started drinking tea more often. Water, even to this day, sounds unappealing.  I did find a comfort though.  I still had Truvia.  Truvia may not be the best in its form but Stevia and Agave are good sugar subtitutes as well as raw sugar.  I haven't completely given up on sugar but maybe some day I will.  This goal took me almost a month to conquer but alas I did.  YAY!!! Then onto my next goal.

I then looked at what I was eating a lot of.  One day my ma had made homemade bisquits and OMG were they good.  I got out a stick of butter and bread that cold butter in between my freshly baked still hot bisquit.  Mmm...I still remember the butter dripping off my bread and onto my face and chin.  I went back for another and repeated the process.  When I was done I went to the kitchen and realized the butter was all gone.  That 1 stick of butter was gone in one sitting.  I know that I didn't eat all the butter because I only had two bisquits.  I looked around and my ma was sitting at the table eating a bisquit just like I was with the healthy (meaning large) portion of butter in between her bisquit and that butter dripping onto her face and chin.  What I saw made me sick.    Betweem my ma, me, and my husband all the butter had been consumed. I knew then that I wasn't going to eat that much butter again.  It wasn't hard to remove that from my daily food intake.  In fact it was rather easy.  Now when I even put just a dab of butter on my roll it makes me thoroughly grossed out.  Butter definitely doesn't hold its same appeal. 

After looking at what I've accomplished thus far I noticed that I was only taking away and not adding to my diet.  So I quickly decided to add 3 servings of fruit a day.  I hadn't particularly enjoyed eating fruits in the past unless they were in a pie or some other yummy dessert.  But this too was easy. I found that eating fruit was enjoyable and looked forward to eating it.

When I decided to add another goal (as I was at 2 removes and 1 add) I decided that should start taking vitamins.  I took a 1 daily, 1 tasteless fish oil (for heart health), vitamin E, C, and B12.  Taking these at first made me all jittery and awake.  They were like drinking an energy drink.  I didn't like how they made me feel at first but I knew that the feelings would pass except perhaps the extra boost of energy.  And so it has.  I'm getting ready to take on my next goal.  But that I will post on Monday.  As a final note to this blog I have lost a total of 3 pounds in one week alone (I'm not sure what I weighed before I started all this).  So see you Monday.  Have a good weekend.